For all the reasons discussed yesterday, I decided not to take part in the duathlon today. I didn’t feel prepared for it and, in all honesty, I didn’t want to do it. It would have been a half-arsed attempt and I wasn’t feeling physically or mentally strong enough.
While my myasthenia varies when it comes to my appearance, it can feel all or nothing physically and mentally. It leaves me untouched or it takes everything. During the former, I feel able to withstand anything the world can throw at me. When I’m in the grip of the latter, the thought of doing the simplest tasks, like walking to the bus or cleaning the kitchen, exhaust me. In those times, looking after myself, and silencing the urge to play the self destruct game, is a battle. Sometimes the nothing state can be overcome with gritted teeth and other times I know better than to try.
Today, I made the decision to set my own challenge. While I wasn’t strong enough for the duathlon, a cycle was possible. The 25km spin was more than enough for me – not least because my bike handlebars decided to come loose mid-cycle.
In truth, making my my tired body heave a laptop and bike across London wasn’t particularly enjoyable, but the cycle served its purpose. It got me out into the fresh air (and rain), it meant I got to visit a friend and it did enough to give me something to feel proud of.
I’ve decided to book another duathlon, but make sure I have time to prepare properly and focus on the build up. I may also organise for someone to do it with me. Possibly before that, Elaine and I have the 60 mile cycle to Eastbourne to prepare for. Less than eight weeks to go to that epic adventure – my calves are burning at the thought of the hard work required between now and then.